rants to the old year.

It doesn’t seem like I have entered a new year and maybe it is because I have not bid goodbye to the previous year in words. Each year brings so many experiences, so many painful moments so many joyful memories. I guess over time you learn that you can never say this will be my year, 12 months can give you so much laughter, joy, tears and sorrow, there can never be just one emotion guiding you through the year.

Last year I experienced different kind of pains. I guess you could call it the “adulting” because I came across a lot of reality that has made me lose a lot of motivation. Like the rest of the generation, it has become easier to be swindled in the wave of the world wide web. To pretend like its all okay as long as the next show is coming on rather than embrace the hard reality the world tries to polish you through.

I experienced something last year but I have not once written about it except for my personal record. Maybe I did not want to admit it, or maybe I am ashamed about it. See, I’ve always been skeptical of mental illnesses. Depression, who doesn’t get depressed once in a while, why you making a fuss about it? Anxiety? Aren’t we all anxious at certain points for certain events, why make it a medical condition? That was my frame of mind.

But then, I got my first anxiety attack.

My breaths were getting stuck halfway, my lung felt clouded. My hands were shivering, my entire body was trembling. No, I was not sad. I was afraid. Fear overcame the whole of my being. I knew for a fact the fear was irrational. But that did not stop my fears from rising.

When I look back now, it seems kind of stupid. What I feared for, how my body reacted. But at that moment, the fear loomed so big in my brain, my senses could do nothing to pacify it.

My luck was a counselor friend and a prayer.   I could write more about it, but it would impact the people who were a part of the experience so I’ll stop here.

See I wish I could say I’m in my late 20’s so I’ve got control over my life. But no, I even got addicted to an online battle game halfway through the year because it made me forget reality.

But even then I was hoping, I would one day write about how digital reality can do nothing to ease your reality.  You could listen to as many songs as you like, one day, the music will stop, the tunes run out. You could watch as many movies as you like, maybe even 9 season TV shows, one day or the other, the credits will roll out. You could attend parties, meet friends, talk with friends, message friends, but sometime, the conversation will come to an end. You will be left with yourself, and your thoughts racing through the room. And maybe you will be happy. But when the sad times roll around. When the quietness becomes too loud. I have realized, no amount of lyrics or screens can give you the inner peace for your reality as the Man above does.

I had my first anxiety attack and I had two more mild ones. But I learnt a secret, everytime the fears resurfaced I started having an anthem of a tune, “Does Jesus Care?” And I was always filled with the overwhelming assurance that yes, He does. And somehow the thought would drive those fears away.

The year 2018, I left my job at the NGO (I have wanted to blog about it but I was too sad to write about it, but hopefully I will soon) after a completion of one year. It broke my heart. I had fallen in love with the children. But there are still things I wished to do. I haven’t quite got there yet. And I don’t know if a person ever feels they have got there, where they want to be. But I am hoping someday I will. And I hope it leads me back to putting a smile on childrens faces. Free flowing kurtas and happy hearts.

And what have I got to worry about, when there’s someone looking out for me. Not to brag or anything, but He is what we call a God. He kind of lives up there above the endless blue sky. He doesn’t like to boast but He created the eye dropping sights we tend to visit on our vacations to Bali and France. Also, He is an upgrade of the kindest human being we could come across. So, He sticks around through the bad times.

The year 2019. I know you will not be my year. I know you will bring your fair share of laughter and tears. But I have grown accustomed to years and tears so come at it.

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wedding blues.

(a dedication for the souls who wed in blues)

HIS:

You were on my mind on my wedding day. How gently wisps of hair fall around your face on December mornings when the sun rays on you. I thought of how I had awaited the hour I would hold your hand and say I do, eternally – to earth and to the heavens. How when I unveiled the white lace, your bright eyes would gleam through my soul, the way it did when I first fell in love with you. The melody of the songs I’d swore I sing to you as you danced along to the guitar strums, they were playing in my head, beat by beat. But I pushed these thoughts away, because we were not enough to stay. And because I now held a hand in my arm – I would vow to love till death. The reveries I’d had of our wrinkled hands together to our 90’s had to be blown away like autumn leaves wilted with time. All our dreams and words were but thin air today.

HERS:

You were on my mind on my wedding day, how your eyes sparkled everytime I looked your way. I had imagined my walk down the aisle staring into those eyes with promises of tomorrows and little feet and cherished dreams and evening runs. I had in mind my vow, the one id say to you, how I fell for you, everyday, anew.  How much I treasured your heart of gold and felt like the luckiest girl in the world to be in that heart. I remembered how, I was ready to give all my words to you but now, I had to give my lines to the man who holds my hands in his arm because you were gone away and emptied your heart out of me. I had to do away with the hope Id had that the last sight id see in this earth would be your features still chiseled to perfection at 99. But I was not enough to stay, worst than your dreams – a nightmare almost, such that you had to run away.